Snippets

I though y'all might be amused by a peek into a [non-serious] newspaper column my sister and I have been creating at intervals since last summer. Following are some of the more interesting tidbits - read on! ;o)

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Happenings Of Note

A burglary was  recently interrupted on Gain Road at midnight on the 20th, when the Iker family returned home from a party to find their lower lights burning and smoke issuing from the parlor. The would-be burglar was found halfway up their enormous bookcase searching for a tome of Dr. Johnson, with a pipe clenched between his teeth. He was forthwith intercepted by Mr. Iker who caught up a large hooked rod and caught the burglar by the seat of his pants, therefore tumbling him ignominiously to the ground. Meanwhile, Mrs. Iker had called the police and stood by with a frying pan. The burglar tried to escape but she barred the way. "Get to the side, woman!" he cried. " I wouldn't like to strike a lady!" "And I," she said, "wouldn't like to strike a gentlemen. But I suppose there is no danger of that." And she brought the frying pan down, thus ending the burglar's consciousness. The police soon came and took him to prison.

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A certain Mr. Steve Johnson labored a full four months to grow a two hundred pound pumpkin. "It's milk fed!" he proclaimed proudly as he stood to get his picture taken. Mr. Johnson is convinced that milk produces a pleasing effect on the nutrition and delicacy of the flesh. He recommends injecting the milk through a large horse needle twice daily, from the moment the pumpkin reaches two inches in diameter.

Society Column

Mrs. Merialla Grace Boomschmidt has officially lived a century and five years. She says she feels just as spry as ever and hopes she will make it to 2 hundred now.

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Miss Hattie Le Deux, one of New York's leading ladies, married tailor Horatio Duke on June 28th, 1936, in a small private ceremony at his shop. "It was quite a surprise," said Hattie's mother, Mrs. Le Deux, wife of the late Senator Joram Le Deux. "However, Hattie has always enjoyed sewing, and I am sure they will be very happy - ahem - making clothes together."

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Former governor of Maryland, the Illustrious Nicolas M. Hardy and his wife Amity, have recently moved to the city. They will reside on Hackenburg Avenue.

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Praiseworthy Accomplishments

Last night an exciting event occurred. One Mrs. Methuselah was walking her dog, Fifi, when the dog saw a chipmunk and dashed into the street. Fifi has made a habit of this pastime, according to Mrs. Methuselah. However on this occasion, a problem presented itself in the form of a roadster speeding towards them at a high rate. As the dog cowered in the street with Mrs. M screeching "Fifi! Come back! No, don't move! I mean do move! I mean, COME TO MAMMY!", an able-bodied young man, seeing the predicament of both lady and dog, sprinted into the road, scooped up Fifi, and heroically bounded onto Mrs. M's side of the road. He handed Fifi to Mrs. M, who cried, "Fifi, my darling! Shame on you. You didn't listen to Mammy, and now look what you did. You mussed your fur, dearest!" Then turning to the young man, she said, "Why, young man, you saved my Fifi's life! How can I ever thank you?" "No need of that ma'am," replied he. With that, he strode off.

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